My whole life I’ve been on a never ending quest. I’ve wanted to find clarity. I’ve wanted to know the reason and the meaning for everything. My mind has been in a constant conversation. It’s interesting that we seek clarity, THROUGH chaos – instead of say…seeking clarity.. through clarity… through acceptance.
I think I get it now. No, not ‘all the answers’ – but I understand why I could never find the answers I was looking for. What did it take? A heartbreak. Yes, heartbreak is an unavoidable human experience – but this time, I resisted feeling the heartbreak for so long that it became my greatest fear. My body held a memory of what heartbreak felt like, and my mind had made a firm promise to my heart that I would never let it happen again. I fought and I battled it. I created a strong armour – a really really strong armour. Nothing could break through it, and I sure as hell wasn’t going to let someone beneath it. I was committed.
I guess though, no matter if your head resists falling in love; the process is unavoidable. Whether that’s with a person, or a life path, or a job – the same rule applies. I was so committed to not surrendering to this truth, that I tried everything to break the love down. I couldn’t handle it. I created chaos. I couldn’t settle – I became blind to the clarity. It wasn’t until I accepted I needed to feel it, that clarity was found.
The ironic thing is though – clarity is always there, sometimes we just forget to take our blindfold off.
How do you know where the clarity is? You’ll know when you understand that clarity is NOT always an incredible feeling of contentment, peace and zen. Shit! It’s far from it… clarity can often be the most disturbingly painful feeling in the world. Clarity means you will begin doing the RIGHT thing, not the less painful thing. You’ll take action even if it’s hard because you believe that the outcome is worth it, you’ll stand up when everyone else is sitting down, you’ll be game enough to be the one loud voice in a sea of a million people who choose silence. Clarity is always there.
You can move closer towards clarity when you stop guarding and protecting yourself. I found clarity when I chose to feel it all. When I let the universe hold me to my knees to beat me down one more time, knowing that somehow… I’d manage to get up again. I allowed myself to feel the failure, the regret, the guilt, the pain, the fear – I let myself feel it all, instead of resisting it in hopes of finding a ‘solution’ – or clarity. No… clarity can only be found through surrender and sometimes this is more painful than it is joyous and peaceful.
HOWEVER, with clarity comes an incredible capacity to grow. So let yourself feel it – don’t fight it. You can never find peace through war. You can never find clarity through chaos. You simply need to find clarity by clearly surrendering. Don’t suppress the feelings of heartbreak, or inadequacy, or judgement, or rejection – feel them. This doesn’t mean you need to act on them, or react to them – simply just feel them. In that pain, in that surrender, in that COMPLETE acceptance, clarity can always be found. Just take off your blindfold.