Dear 16 year old me,
I’m sorry for letting you listen so much to the voice of others. I’m sorry that I blindfolded you from the truth, and fed you lies so that you’d believe you were worth nothing. I’m sorry that I let your mind override the physical signs that I was hurting you. I’m sorry I hurt you. I’m sorry the voices inside your head, telling you to give up, became so loud that you couldn’t sleep. Even when you were trying to finish grade 12, even when all you wanted to do was be on stage and better your craft. I’m sorry I told you that all the people that loved you were your enemy, and that they were just a distraction that stopped you from reaching your goals. I’m sorry I developed such a ridged and impossible criteria for you to attempt to tick off, so that you could feel ‘good enough’. I’m sorry that I told you that your dreams were only possible if you abided by the laws we agreed upon. I’m sorry that you lost sight of everything that made you who you are, and that I let you become more and more frail. I’m sorry for the nights I stopped you from sleeping, so that I could cry in front of the mirror, and hunch over the toilet bowl. I’m sorry I didn’t stop until my throat was raw and my eyes were bloodshot. I’m sorry that this made me feel strong, and in control. I’m sorry that we thought that this was more important than your friends, your family, your education, your passions, and your health. I’m sorry for ensuring you spent more time at the doctors, and at the therapists than you did the classroom. I’m sorry I made you weigh yourself 3 times a day; because of the constant anxiety it caused you. I’m sorry for how cold you always felt. I’m sorry for the dry mouth, and the migraines, the yellow complexion, the blue fingernails, and the dizzy spells. I’m sorry that I told you true strength came from ignoring those things. I’m sorry for the hours we’ll never get back because of the constant calorie counting, the ritualistic record that played in our head, traumatizing you. The Math’s and English books, covered in numbers and figures and strategies, not for algebra, but for weight loss. I’m sorry that it was almost the end, and I left you to start again from 0 – with no support because we pushed it all away.
Above all the apologies, I wanted to say thank you. Thank you for the opportunity to know my true power and strength. Thank you for showing me that nothing, nothing can ever beat our spirit. Thank you for giving me insight into my soul, sending me on a journey to really know my true power. Thank you for getting me to a place where I no longer see anorexia as a possessed voice that was inside of me, as the therapists led me to believe, but instead a part of me which I can show gratitude and appreciation. Thank you for sending us to rock bottom, so I no longer had attachments that would hold me back from perusing my dreams. Thank you for showing me that the only thing left, after all the pain, is love – and thank you for letting me realize that the most important thing in the world is to help others and love who you are. Thank you for listening to others, so that I can now block them out. Thank you for letting me listen to the, once faint, but now incredibly loud, inner voice that I consult every second of the day.
Thank you 16 year old me, for showing me that pain is exactly that. It’s not bad, it’s not wrong. Thank you for giving me the strength to throw away those judgments that suffocated me. Thank you for fighting through so that I could understand the perfection of everything. Thank you for reconnecting me to my source and reminding me who I really am. Thank you for setting me up to have a limitless life.
I love you.