There’s something about me that I suppose, even though I’ve denied it since I can remember, really does define me. It’s not that I ever denied it was a part of me, I just didn’t ever want to be known for anything other than the person I am. Unfortunately, the person I am is made up of many other factors that do define me. One of them is that I’m attracted to both men and women. I’ve been in intimate relationships with guys and girls – and the reason that I’m finally sharing this, publicity, might not be for the stereotypical reason of ‘freeing myself from a closet.’
The reason I’m telling you this, something I rarely bring up with anyone, is because I want to use my experiences with girls and guys as a reference throughout this post. One of my New Year’s Resolutions was to begin to integrate more authenticity, rawness and vulnerability in whatever avenue my creative spirit chooses to take – so, in the spirit of always fulfilling my resolutions, here we go – here’s one of the hardest things in the world for me to delve in to.
I’ve talked in over 300 schools across Australia, and not once have I ever, ever discussed my sexuality. I’ve discussed what I market as all of “my struggles” – but I suppose I just wasn’t ready to share this one. I still feared that on some level, there would be judgement from the people I care about.
My sexuality has been a cause of heartache for the past 9 years – and even though I’ve lived with this pain and confusion for almost a decade (and through the most impressional, vulnerable years of my life), I’m not writing this as a nostalgic piece to free myself from my burdens and secrets. The reason I highlight the above statements is because I want you to realise I wouldn’t be doing this unless I really believed in the points I’m about to raise.
I dream of a world where to are in complete acceptance of one another. A world where we can be exactly as we are in each moment, with no question, concern or mere thought about stereotypes, labels or categories of any type. Where we are free to explore whatever we choose, surrendering to experience without question with an open mind and heart. Our natural state of being. Unfortunately, this has been lost in the forever continuing social conditioning we’re exposed to from day 1. I want to use my experience in getting to know both men and women in a vulnerable, real and intimate way, as a way to convince all of you that there is no criteria or recipe in what makes “a man,” or what consitutes “a woman.” Life is about finding a balance between your masculine and your feminine – no matter what sex you are. These energies are employed for so many different reasons, and triggered in us, in so many different ways.
In highschool I was the absolute stereotype of what an aspiring actor and model was; from my looks, to my personality, the way I thought about myself and the way I treated others. Secretly, I was vulnerable, alone and afraid – and the world told me, at this point, that I was the ‘perfect feminine energy.’ When my “feminine energy” became too extreme… those that loved me, could no longer support me – and I went from vulnerable to crushed. The world has defeated me. My boyfriend, the love of my life, abandoned me. In a fight to survive, I moved to the complete opposite paradigm. I moved into my masculine – becoming extremely goal oriented, focused, logical and completely ignoring my emotional body. Interestingly, the restoration of my “masculine energy” – interpreted by the world as confident, intelligent, ‘together’ and sexy, I began attracting more men. Hurt by my previous experiences, I pushed any offer of love away – and the feminine energy (that was open to receiving and giving love, nurturing and softening into experience) faded into the deepest, darkest part of me. I lost touch with her. I moved completely to the opposite side of my spectrum, I moved completely into my masculine. Everything changed – from my dress sense, my general appearance, my interactions with people so on, so forth. I was in relationships with girls that felt completely normal, natural and safe for me. What interested me the most was how successful I had become. I had grown an organisation form infancy, through to teenage-dom. I felt fitter, more powerful, in control. Until it hit me – an emptiness. I felt like I was becoming too good at being the “strong one” – and my spirit was yearning to return to a feminine state – yet resisted it, because of the pain she had experienced. What I soon started to realise, that no extreme is the optimum state of being – finding a balance is the only way to feel harmonious within yourself.
I’ve seen men when they’re vulnerable, and because of my understanding of myself and human nature, I’ve provided a safe space to see the reality of what a true man is. Someone who can be strong enough to bare who they are. Interestingly, the same goes for females – true femininity, is the courage to bare yourself, to be vulnerable even when you’ve been hurt. I’ve also experienced this in my relationships.
In my experiences, I’ve learnt a lot about myself. I’ve played so many different roles, and explored so many elements of myself. I’ve been the strong one, the weak one, the insincere one, the sincere one, the fling, the chaser, the chased, the cheater, the cheated on. What I’ve realised is – it’s all just an experience. The perfect partner isn’t the one that “balances you” – but is the one who makes it safe to explore all the facets of yourself. The one that isn’t threatened by all that you are. The girlfriend that can watch their boyfriend cry, and see the strength in that. The boyfriend that can stand by their girl when they’re closed up and aren’t able to express themselves. The girlfriend that can be strong, whilst their girlfriend feels weak – and the boyfriend that can tolerate their boyfriend being overbearing sometimes. Acceptance is the key. An understanding that all the stereotypes we’ve been told… are bullshit.
I’ve seen it all within myself – and I know now that there isn’t “one me” – I am all of these things, equally. And these parts of myself are displayed when they are meant to be, and work in my highest interest depending on my life circumstances. Please, just understand that you are perfectly you. Experiences will not “change you” – they will show you different elements of yourself. Your masculine, your feminine and everything in between. Don’t let anyone make you feel bad about yourself – your journey is personal and should only be shared with those that accept and uplift you. I spent so long stressing about where my energetic balance lay – before I realised that it’s already within me – I’m just exploring different elements of that throughout different phases in my life. I’m writing this for the other young people that struggled the way I did – to know that there is nothing wrong with you. You are perfect. No matter what, you’re just you. <3