And there I was, finding myself staring back up at the sky and realising that it had become a distant friend, realising that I used to watch the skies every day and marvel and how no day was ever the same, how ever second a new shape was formed and how, by if some magic, the sky could be lit a million different colors. Why had I stopped looking at the sky and marveling? Why had I forgotten my own insignificance? Why had I got lost in a dense reality of self-entitlement and self-obsession? Why had I caged my heart in layers of fear and illusion? It was easier when I was younger I think, to effortlessly connect to my imagination, to my truth – to my infinite possibility – with no thoughts intersecting my possibilities. Up until 2015, I had been on an adventure of growth, totally free of any confines. Then I came home, and I realised how much harder it was to remain a freedom fighter. I fell in love, and I realised how difficult it is to not compromise what’s important to you, for another. 2015 has taught me so much – and not in the way I anticipated. I thought 2015 would continue to be a sky-rocket to the stars, and don’t get me wrong – I still managed to have a year full of successes and wins – but 2015 taught me so much more. It taught me what it means to fall and it taught me the power of our choices. Choice is everything. We so often believe and feel we don’t have choice, “I have to do this,” “I have no other options.” We’re blinded to the truth – the truth being that we always have choice, and that we are in fact, our own masters.
It’s difficult as we become older. We become heavier with the weight of societal expectations, fulfilling the shoes of who we were told we must become. I often ponder the question, “is it harder to live in the comfort of normality, potentially regretting every single day your choice to put safety over adventure, or is it harder accepting your insanity and freeing yourself of any expectations or confines, to live completely and utterly free?” It becomes harder to choose, because we begin to feel like everything has been chosen for us. What the next best step is. I feel like I’m at an age where I really do need to make my decision – as much as I’ve stood for freedom fighting and following my heart, there’s a lot less pressure as a teenager, before the reality of the world truly sets in. Perhaps this is why so many of the hippies that smoked jays and sung around campfires, have now sold their souls to wall street, and other million dollar conglomerate to give their family a ‘good’ life. This isn’t what I want to become, but where’s the balance? Why do I crave luxury and lust, as well as freedom and simplicity? Why do I want to be a high-rolling professional, as well as a backpacking hippy? I suppose I just need to accept the paradox. I want to commit to choosing my heart and my imagination over any pay cheque, or any amount of security. I need to look in the mirror and know the person staring back, know that they were courageous enough to always choose truth, over giving in to the pressure.
I made some bad choices this year. I chose to get lost in delusion, and show up to my reality hazy and scattered. From the outside I’ve remained a strong leader. I don’t feel the battles have meant a compromise in my integrity, I instead feel it’s given me a deeper insight into myself. In 2016, I realise I must continue walking the path of my own self mastery – which requires discipline and focus. I rebelled against myself this year, even though not many on the other side would be able to tell. And through getting lost, we need to remember, it is always up to us to find our way home again and again and again. This is our responsibility – to come home. To look up and the sky and remember; remember who we really are – and how we fool and kid ourselves, believing that our trivial confusions and complications have any significance in the wider universe.