As I sit down at my keyboard, I’m thinking about the fact I haven’t written a single blog post since I’ve been away. This is crazy, considering the topics and themes that have flooded through my mind, making notes in my phone – reminding myself what I should write about. Yet, I haven’t actioned them. As a writer, your mind is kind of trained to observe and document, to put together a series of perspectives about a situation, to then express. It’s one of my favourite things about my mind; and yet it’s been a beautiful thing, simply observing without sharing those observations straight away.
Many times have I said “I need to write about this!” From themes like relationships, passion, purpose, travel, mindfulness, choices – the list goes on. Instead, they’ve swam through my mind for weeks now, building up and up and up. Until this morning; when I realised, these topics really do not exist independently. Sure, I could discuss them independently, but ultimately; they exist together.
I’ve met thousands of people on my trip; all varying degrees of intelligence, education, looks, backgrounds, values, belief systems; but there’s been a theme through all of those I’ve crossed paths with, and it’s this question; “how the hell do I know I’m on the right track?”
Amongst all the marvellous conversations I’d had with strangers, I’ve felt something deep inside them that yearns to be unlocked. It doesn’t matter how far you travel; so few people you meet are genuinely awake, free. So many people I meet, even those who have the freedom and sense of adventure to travel the world, are running away from themselves, distracting themselves or numbing themselves with drugs and alcohol. The amount of stories I’ve heard, from those who have shared with me their desire to travel stemmed from realising there had to be more to life than “getting wasted with their friends every weekend, snorting cocaine and have meaningless sex”. Yet, they unconsciously find themselves doing the same thing, in a different part of the world.
The world can be such a lonely place; with most of us longing, so deeply, for love and connection. What I’m realising more and more; is your life-circumstances have nothing to do with genuinely finding this, and all to do with how prepared you are to face yourself. We have a society of enablers; we enable each other to remain suspended in apathetic patterns, self-medication, we accept “less-than” treatment from our friends, partners, or casual fuck-buddy, because it seems like it’s better than nothing. But is it?
Maybe we need to understand what nothing is, in order to know what everything is. To find that feeling of ecstasy (naturally). I promise it is possible.
Even me, who had built the life of their ‘dreams’ ; felt a deep need to run away. A deep need to understand myself away from the mundane (even if my life wasn’t considered mundane – regardless of the 1st class flights and 5 star hotels, the new home, the business, the relationships, the friends). I’m finally, after a month and a half, starting to come back to me; realising that the glass of wine at night time or the cider on the weekend was me reaching for “more” – a crutch to help me have the fun I couldn’t find in myself. That the busy-ness was a distraction from the need for deep meditation, refined discipline and amplified focus in a single direction (the betterment of myself).
There’s no greater feeling than being clear, than having a total and complete knowing that you are on the right track, that you can trust your feelings, that you can look in the mirror and know the person staring back. And the purification process is not an easy one, being confronted with all the choices you’ve made that have taken you further away from you heart, further away from truth. But the only advice I have is this; if you’re asking yourself “how the hell am I supposed to know?!” – you currently, do not know. When you know, there will be know doubt.
There’s a deep voice inside your heart, (the one that speaks when you’re wasted, usually), that is waiting to guide you. Stop telling yourself you don’t know, or you’re not sure, and find some silence. Brace yourself to feel a little bit of pain. See this as a surgery; cutting through the layers of bullshit, to find the truth. I trust you can do this, I believe in you. This is your path, walking towards it will not hurt you forever; it’s just whilst you find your way back through the bushes, you may get some cuts and grazes; but the reward is worth so much more than temporary relief.