The fact I haven’t blogged in nearly a month is an accurate reflection of how I’ve been feeling as of late. Even though my writers block hasn’t really been cleared, I’m going to write anyway because I’m beginning to feel a writers equivalent to impotency. I want this post to be able to help those of you I never really understood. As long I can remember, I knew what I was going to be when I grew up. Even though it’s changed over the years – from famous performer, to writer, to ‘world domination’, to CEO etc – I’ve had that unbreakable focus and raw passion. It’s been all I’ve known. In recent days I feel like there’s a whole in my chest. I feel like that sense of passionate direction and knowing who I wanted to be when I grew up is fading. I believe this is largely because… I have grown up. I’ve officially entered my womanhood.
Now, this came as a shock to me – because in our culture there’s no set ‘rite of passage’ that allows us to healthily and safely transition from girlhood into womanhood, and for me I found myself creating my own rites of passage (but somewhat destructively). For the first time in my life I desired to go out partying, I desired to take my relentless focus off my visions and goals and have a different experience. I decided to prioritise falling in love. During this period of what I describe as ‘liminality’ (the period of time where you’re no longer what you were, but also not yet what you are to become – ‘no longer a girl, but not yet a woman; no longer the caterpillar, but not yet the butterfly’) I was unaware of what I was doing. This primal urge to rebel against my own professional benchmarks, and test my own limits was taking over. All the while knowing how crucial it is for me to protect my wellbeing (mental, emotional, physical and spiritual) – considering this is what I teach, and without protecting my own I have a significant lapse in my own integrity. It took until my skin broke out as though I was a pre-pubencant teenager again, I had a chest infection and my body was purging everything I put into it. I wasn’t properly listening. I moved myself out of alignment and both my physical and spiritual bodies weren’t happy.
I’m beginning to come back to myself now. Beginning to integrate this new being-ness and ground it in myself. The only issue with this is I no longer feel the same about a lot of things. I think about my work and I’m not filled with that youthful passion as I once was – and I can hear the 18 year old in me screaming at me, telling me we promised to never let this happen. It’s not about this though – but we’re not educated correctly around rites of passage.
When you transition from one period of your life into the next, it’s so crucial to understand, accept and acknowledge that you will have different priorities and a different perspective on a lot of things. This is beautiful and healthy. I’m beginning to really look at my relationships, and want a select few around me, I’m beginning to look at security and legacy in a grounded way, beginning to ask questions about future and family. I could be so easy for me to get lost in this transition without the awareness I have – and I see so many that do. If you study when we are most unhappy, it’s always during these periods of transition; entry into teenaghood, transition into womanhood, after having our first child, menopause.. etc. We are not equipped with the correct information or support to handle change; and what actually happens during these periods is your identity gets broken down into nothing, so that it can be recreated. BUT, if you don’t have this awareness; the ego-self is tested and pushed and pulled beyond what feels emotionally safe. It’s helpful to think about the patterns of nature; entropy into rebirth. It is the same with the cycles within our lives.
So, for me, it’s not so much about knowing what I want to be when I grow up, and more about accepting the stages of the journey I’m on and honouring them. No longer holding on to my inner-child that dreamed of saving the world, and allowing myself to be grounded in my adulthood. This doesn’t have to mean I’m less passionate or less energetic – it just means my approach can change.