I’m sick of biting my tongue, or pushing down my true opinions. I try every day to be a better person, but why? – I am a good person. I have desires, fears and thoughts that every single person has, whether or not they admit it – and the longer no one talks openly about it, the longer I for one, will continue to be trapped by them.
I have a fear that even though there are billions of people in the world, I’ll be alone. I fear that there aren’t many people in the world that strive for genuine connection, strive to accept people for where they’re at in their journey – without the need to offer advice, opinions and ways to improve yourself. We’re not here for long, and to me – the most spiritual of journeys, are the ones that allow you to be completely in the present. Not the ones that tell you to be more, do more, heal more, grow more, achieve me, be better, be stronger, trust more, break down more, be vulnerable more. FUCK IT. If I can’t trust, it’s because I’ve had my heart obliterated before – things have happened that have made it difficult to trust. I wasn’t born untrusting – and whilst it’s everyones ultimate goal to return to that state of childlike innocence and curiosity, there’s a power in the cynicism. A power that allows you to analyse things, questions things. AND, beyond this – here lies an opportunity to love even if your heart is broken, and you find it hard to love. An opportunity to accept yourself, and others, as whole -even if you’re pieces. Sometimes I fear that where I choose to place my energy, and what I choose to invest in, will fail. Whether it be relationships, projects, health and fitness goals or theories. Whatever they may be, I understand that failure is a mindset, not a reality. BUT it’s human to feel these things. The feeling of failure is VERY real, therefore this is a subjective experience.
It’s not realistic to strive to be the vision of purity, and whilst it’s important to uphold a strong moral code, comprising of lots of integrity, it’s not realistic to believe that every decision you ever make in life will abide by this criteria. You need to screw up, it’s HEALTHY. It’s healthy for you to remember you’re not perfect – you’re imperfect. And this is an awesome thing. It allows us to be human. Don’t listen too strongly to others opinions on what you need to be, and release yourself from past guilt and past mistakes. They happened, it’s done. There’s no need to talk about it, or dwell on it. You’re fine just the way you are. Everyone makes a bad judgement call at some point, and if they don’t – they’re living in a confined reality, fearing that maybe someday they will. The reality is, at times, every single human has enjoyed playing with fire and pushing the boundaries.
Another thing I dislike, and I truly believe is the source of the isolation and loneliness so many of us experience, is that we harbour an unrealistic view of what a friend should be. Someone who only mirrors the parts of yourself that you LIKE, and the others become our enemies? Those that bring out our ‘bad’ side (the side we haven’t yet accepted, more like), are almost more important than the others. By placing them in the enemy category, you’re missing out on so much learning. Imagine a world where we could all accept what gets triggered in one another, and provide a space for those things to be worked through and resolved.
I truly think, that on some level, the human condition is naturally hypocritical – and it’s about time someone took a stand and said; THAT’S A REALITY and became a pioneer that begins breaking down what is simply just another unrealistic definition of perfection. It stops us from forgiving people for their mistakes, it stops us from connecting on a truly meaningful, real level – and instead, leaves us painting on a mask that only shows our ‘good sides’ – or our “socially acceptable” sides. Personally, I find peoples quirks and idiosyncrasies the most endearing thing of all. I don’t believe it is our path to “become more” – I think it is our path to embody exactly what you already are, unapologetically.